I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
