I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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