You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
