I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
