I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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