woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
