This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
