how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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