Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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