I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Welp...herpes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
