Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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