Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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