So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
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