my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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