I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
