I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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