I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize