im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
