apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He felt like a one man threesome
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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