Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
