Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
