Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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