This beer is not sobering me up at all
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
