You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
