On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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