Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dick very happy bro
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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