I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
