I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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