I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize