wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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