I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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