And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
