Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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