ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize