From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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