You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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