TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
