please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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