Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
