I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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