Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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