this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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