so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've blown a few things in my day
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
