When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think i got beer on your cat.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
