I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize