I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
