I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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