The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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