Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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