Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my poor anus
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
