I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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