last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Pooping to opera.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
