you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So much Jack, so little girl.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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