all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just invented taco cereal.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
