eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
