If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
