I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
