He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
