So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
