On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
