Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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