White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Randomize