I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My vagina is very pro this idea
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
