The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
