apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize