I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
