Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize