Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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